Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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