I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
