Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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