how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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