Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
