If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A+ Viking dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
