best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize