so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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