whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
