last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
