I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
