Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
