I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
