he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
