I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
