this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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