EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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