Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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