i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
