drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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