My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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