omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
