i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
