They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
