Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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