You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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