Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
