so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
