Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
