he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
