note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
