Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
