ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
