the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
