Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
