A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
