I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
