Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
