We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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