My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
