five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
