whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
