In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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