so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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