My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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