come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
