I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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