i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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