I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
