Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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