Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
