JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
