You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
