It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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