I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
