good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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