i just had sex bonerless
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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