I can text with my tongue
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
MIDGETS
????
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
