Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
