Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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