My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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