The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize