Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
