Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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