new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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