god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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