You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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