Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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